


Never Say Die

by learninghowtobreathe



Category: Les Misérables (2012), Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Student/Teacher, Anal Sex, Depression, Established Relationship (eventually), First Kiss, First Time, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, I suck at tags aren't I?, M/M, Non-binary character, Oral Sex, Smut, Unrequited Love (just for split second though), actually it's Eponine, bottom!enjolras, genderqueer character who's not Jehan, just sexy sex, mentions of previous drugs use and drug addiction, mentions of self harm, seriously, shitload of triggers but only for a tiny bit, sorry - Freeform, top!grantaire
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-30
Updated: 2014-09-28
Packaged: 2018-01-21 10:42:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1547756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/learninghowtobreathe/pseuds/learninghowtobreathe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Grantaire is an art teacher in Enjolas' high school.<br/>Lots of sex ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Obsession, it takes control

**Author's Note:**

> Yes. Yes, I put my fics on hiatus so I could write this. Yes, I also put my fucking novel on hiatus so I could write this. Can you blame me?  
> This fic happened because both me and Jinx suffer from lack of Teacher/Student AUs in this fandom.
> 
> \-----------------------------------
> 
> This fic is dedicated to my wonderful friends – [Jinx](//gay-t-rex.tumblr.com) and [Keisha](//casually-wasting-my-life.tumblr.com) who I hope like what I've done there with our barricade boys :)
> 
> \-----------------------------------
> 
> EDIT: now betad!

Grantaire always considered himself a sensible man.   
Of course he has had his ups and downs, with battling depression it was to be expected, he supposed. After all no one wins with depression forever. There was also his drinking, though he mostly controlled it now. But beside this, he was sensible, he could take care of himself and he thought of himself as immune to the majority of stupid ideas. He had an apartment he was comfortable in, he had his painting, though it never become more than a hobby. He couldn't afford a career as unpredictable as being an artist, not without any support from his family. He managed to graduate from university, though it took him longer than his friends and he couldn't really say he worked hard. But now he was living on his own and he has steady job as an art teacher in nerby high school, and couldn't really complain.  
Everything was well. Everything, but...  
Well, everything but the fact that he somehow managed to develop a crush on one of his students.  
That was kinda a problem.  
It wouldn't be that bad, if it was only him, only his 'innocent' – well, not exactly innocent granting he was turning 28 next month – crush he could try to overcome and forget.   
But it wasn't just some regular student he had crush on, no. It was Enjolras. Unbelievably beautiful, unbelievably smart, golden god, Apollo Enjolras, who smiled at him with his brillinat, insolent smile, who argued with him during every lesson, who provoked him all the time.   
Enjolras with his unruly locks looking as if they were made of the finest silk, with his dreamy eyes full of fire and his pale, creamy skin.  
And, if it wasn't bad enough, Enjolras seemed to reciprocate his feelings. Actually, no. "Seemed" was an understatement. Who showed Grantaire at every minute that he wants a place not only in his bed, but also in his heart.  
Who stayed after lesson and helped him clean up, set easels in order, washed brushes, cleaned the paint stains, and who dropped not-even-slightly subtle hints all the time. Who crossed any and every boundary, brushing his hands over Grantaire's arms or staring him straight in the eyes.  
But it was just plain wrong, okay?   
Grantaire was 28. For God's sake, he was almost thirty. And he was teaching there! It was his job, and he fucking needed that job. He couldn't afford getting fired for seducing some kid.  
Because that's Enjolras was. A kid.   
He certainly shouldn't have fantasies about him spread naked on his bed.   
The thing was, that Enjolras wasn't just some kid. That was whole problem. He could refuse some random kid. But he couldn't say no to Enjolras.  
So, you see, Grantaire was so, so fucked.  
There he was, lying on his bed, the same bed he imagined Enjolras spread on; with hands under his head, dressed in too big black shirt and jeans who was gradually becoming tighter in certain places.  
It was 7am and his first class started at 9. He should be getting ready, and instead he was lying there; daydreaming and sinking into a pit self-hatred.  
He really should do something with it. With his feelings. He was losing control dangerously fast. He couldn't sleep, couldn't do anything, and, what was worse, the most embarassing, couldn't concentrate while in lessons with Enjolras' class.   
Other classes wasn't that bad. He set the topic and sat at* his desk, sketching, or even painting sometimes, taking breaks and helping his students, giving them advice and correcting mistakes. Most of students loved him, being the cool teacher, with his tattoos and piercings – luckily the dress code at his school was almost nonexistent – and with his witty sense of humor. He was always nice to his students; he generally liked his job and actualy loved working with teenagers.   
What was surprising was that he was the teacher students were came to with personal problems, looking for understanding. And R has been through too much shit in his life to not understand. He tried to help those kids as much as he could, and when he couldn't he tried at least to listen to them.  
So usually his job was okay. Even better than okay.  
And then there were lessons with Enjolras' class.  
They were in their final year of high school, most of them had turned 18 already and were legally adults. A couple of them wanted to apply for art schools, and were really good artist. He really enjoyed working with them, helping them with their final projects.  
Enjolras was one of the youngest in his class, still 17, but he sure as hell didn't act it. He was so confident, sitting cross legged over at his easel, golden locks tied in a bun, his red shirt a bright spot over the background of the white canvas. Grantaire could imagine him right now, his cheeky smile, piercing eyes, the way he looked at him over his lashes, teasingly licking his lips. There was nothing modest about it, all his behaviour screamed pure seduction.  
Grantaire groaned and got up off the bed, knocking down his sketchbook. Sketchbook filled with rough sketches and painstakingly detailed portraits of Enjolras.  
He looked at himself in the bathroom mirror. There was no point in lying, he was trying to look his best. He wasn't actually vain, but knew he handsome; for God's sake he had worked as a model briefly during his uni years. He knew what his advantages were, so now he tamed his locks a bit, so they wasn't so unruly, and framed his eyes in black eyeliner.   
He put on his worn leather jacket and went out.  
He was screwed anyway.  
Maybe it was time to search for another job.


	2. I can't say the words out loud,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all I really apologise for all mistakes in chapter 1, I have beta now so it'll be fixed as soon as I can. I forgot to add a disclaimer that English is not my native language, but anyway, thanks for spotting errors and letting me know :)
> 
> Second – I've been given fantastic idea to include Eponine in all the incoming sex, so yay, you can await that!
> 
> I know all this fic is a bit cliche, but oh well, we all need good, old fashioned fluff sometimes :)
> 
> \------------------------------------
> 
> Thanks to my wonderful beta for all her help and my friends to give me support and love! <3
> 
> \-------------  
> EDIT: sorry for messing up pronouns and thanks for spotting it. As I said, English is not my first language and sometimes I mess things up when in rush (or drunk. Sorry, yesterday I've been really really drunk)

CHAPTER 2: I can't say the words out loud, 

He arrived to school early. His class was empty, so he sat over the desk and tried to calm down his nerves. The air was full of the familiar scent of paint and turpentine and he breathed deeply.   
When door opened he almost jumped, startled, but soon realized it was just Eponine, one of his best, most talented students, who wanted to apply for graphic design as xe planned to be a tattoo designer. Right now xe was working over xyr final project, a huge self portrait, which was now leaned over the wall in the corner.  
Eponine, dressed in skinny jeans with holes on the knees and an unbuttoned plaid shirt, threw xyr huge backpack on the floor near xyr easel and smiled to him. Xyr lips were slightly swollen and bruised in the perfect shade of deep purple.  
“Eponine.” He smiled back, frowning. “What happened to you?”  
Xe laughed, delicate giggle and ran xyr hand over xyr dark red bangs sticking out from the black beanie. “Got my lip pierced.” Xe shrugged. “It should look better soon.”  
“I certainly hope so.” Grantaire found himself smiling even wider. “We don't want repeat what happened when you got tongue stud.”  
“It wasn't that bad.” Eponine shrugged again, lifting xyr painting and setting it on an easel. “Didn't have to talk to people for a month, that was refreshing.”  
Grantaire was just about to answer, when bell rang and students started to coming into class. His group was little, with only 9 students in it, and everyone was already in, save for Enjolras.  
Grantaire found himself nervous.  
He was going to do something today. He didn't know yet what was this something supposed to be, but he was sure he needed to change something.   
After almost year of pinning he was tired. He needed a change. Damn this all, he was a great teacher, he could find another job.  
Ten minutes passed, with all his students slowly immersing into their work.  
Grantaire was sketching with charcoal, to kill time, but he couldn't find place for himself. He was angry at himself. He desperately needed both a drink and cigarette. Would it be really unprofessional to smoke over the window in class full of his students? Probably yes, he wondered, staring blankly at page before him, with half finished sketch of Enjolras standing with his arm propped on his hip and smiling crooked smile. He probably shouldn't do in in class where everyone was to see, but damn, his hand seemingly has life of it's own.  
Just when he was going to snap and smoke after all, doors opened, revealing very late, and not caring at all Enjolras. He was dressed in skinny jeans and red v-neck with his curls braided and tied with matching red ribbon, and smiled knowing smile at Grantaire, who couldn't help but to stare. He went slowly to his place, swaying his hips and brushing R's arm with his pale hand at the way.   
It was the last, tiny thing, that broke Grantaire's resistance, and cursing all world under his breath he decided to give up all his hopes.   
“Enjolras.” His voice turned out a bit shaky, so he swallowed and tried again. “Enjolras.”  
“Yes, monsieur Grantaire?” Enjolras' voice on his part was almost mocking.   
“Stay after class.” R was almost proud of how composed he sounded in his own ears.   
“Of course.” He honest to God bowed.   
Grantaire almost groaned at the sight, but somehow he managed to calm down and sit behind his desk again. The rest of the lesson passed in silence, as he finished his sketch. Luckily none of his students needed his help today, so when bell rang and everyone started to leave he was still almost completely calm and composed, or at least as much as he could be in Enjolras' presence.  
He walked slowly to Grantaire's desk, smiling and looking him straight into the eyes and all Grantaire's composure went to hell.  
“You wanted to see me?” Enjolras' voice was still on the edge of mockery.  
“Yes.” He found himself lacking words. “Enjolras, listen, we...you...we can't...”  
He looked up, and Enjolras' face caught him of the gurard, his expression suddenly vunerable. He was worrying his lower lip between his teeth and looking at him with such an unsure look, it made Grantaire want to wrap his arms around him and comfort him. He reminded himself that Enjolras was barely 18, just a teenager, and that they both played dangerous game.  
“Listen.” He said, suddenly sure of what he wanted to say. “It can't go on like this. I may lose my job. However... the school year ends in three weeks.”  
Enjolras looked at him with such hope in his eyes he couldn't believe it was the same boy who used to seduce him literally every day of the year.  
“We...We obviously can't be seen here...” He stated, unsure what to say next. “But...”  
Enjolras' abrupt movement caught him off guard. The younger man ran his fingers over his hand with the unsure action of trembling digits. He ended up entwining their fingers together.  
And then everything happened so fast.  
Grantaire groaned “Oh, damn it,” as he wrapped his hand gently over Enjolras' neck, bringing their lips together.  
The kiss was chaste, barely a touch of lips, but then Enjolras was moaning, broken sound in the silence of the classroom and their kiss turned heated, lips crashing, tongues fighting for dominance.  
Stopping seemed impossible and Grantaire had no idea how he found the strength to do so.   
“We can't kiss here.” He whispered, tangling his fingers in Enjolras' hair, now a let loose, mess of golden ringlets.  
“But...”  
“Wait for me after your classes.” He dropped a last gentle kiss on his lips.  
“I never really believed you reciprocate my feelings.” Enjolras' voice was almost broken, full of disbelief.   
“Are you kidding me?” R rolled his eyes, trying to overcome sudden desire to laugh. He felt so ridiculously happy, so light, like all his dreams came true all at one.  
Cause they did. “Have you seen yourself? Who could say no to you?”  
“I thought that you...”   
“Wait for me after your classes.” Grantaire repeated, kissing him again.   
Bell rang, disturbing them, as they kissed for the last time.   
As Enjolras left the classroom Grantaire fall back on his chair, putting his head over his hands and laughing to himself.  
He couldn't believe his luck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all kudos and comments!
> 
> \------------------------------------
> 
> In next chapter - smut!  
> Omg it was so long since I'd written honest to God porn! I hope I remember how sex works xd


	3. I guess it's love, I can't pretend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all – sorry for late update. I've been on unexpected trip in Paris.  
> Which being said, I walked over the streets our boys walked over, I've seen Victor Hugo's house and I kinda got SO MANY IDEAS for this fic I literally have no idea what to choose (no speaking I cried so hard xd).  
> So, even though I basically planned this fic to be only 3 chapters and more like PWP, I decided to expand it :D  
> Should I be sorry for this? I probably should xd Well, I'm going to hell anyway.
> 
> Sorry it's so hopelessly romantic, I needed some fluff in my life.  
> All feedback and constructive critics are appreciated!
> 
> \--------------------
> 
> UPDATE: Now betad!

It was legitimately the longest day in Grantaire's life.

He ran his lessons – or rather sat by his desk and desperately tried not to grin – helped his students with their projects, and even managed to leave class and get himself coffee, while catching a glimpse of Enjolras’ wild hair on the corridor. He used all his will not to go after him, but go back to class and run the lesson like nothing ever happened.

But he was just a man, right? He could only stand so much. So when 3 pm. struck on his watch, he put card saying that his afternoon classes were cancelled today on his door and almost ran through school's corridor, stopping only when he reached the courtyard outside.

Enjolras was waiting for him.

He was leaning over the column there, his arms crossed, hair loose and falling to his shoulders. His face lit up as he saw Grantaire and he came to him without a word and followed him into the streets. They walked in silence.

 

The way to his apartment never seem to Grantaire so long, and granted that he used to walk there high, drunk or both at the same time in the  past it was certainly something.

Next to him Enjolras was casting him unsure glances, all his confidence suddenly lost. He looked younger than usually, his hair a mess and his lips red from biting on them, not like the almost-adult he was, but a lost child.

Somehow it didn't make R feel as guilty as he supposed he should feel, given what he was doing. Was he seducing a child? Or maybe being seduced by child? He wasn't sure.

Instead of dwelling on these thoughts, he simply caught Enjolras' hand in his and gave him a reassuring smile before speeding up.

When they finally reached the building, he was sure years had passed. He fumbled for the key in his pockets, opened the door and let them in. And then found himself lost at sea.

They were looking at each other awkwardly, standing in the doorway, not knowing what to do.

“So...” he started, not sure what to say.

“So...” Enjolras was worrying his lower lip between his teeth again, and R found himself hypnotized by it.

He bowed gently and put a chaste kiss on Enjolras' lips.

A slim hand tangled in his hair and R felt his heart swell.

Damn. He was so hopelessly in love with this kid, it was ridiculous.

He navigated them gently towards bedroom, when suddenly Enjolras pulled off and looked at him with huge, unsure eyes.

“Wait.” He frowned.

Grantaire found himself reciprocating the frown. “What is it?” He asked gently.

“You...We...You're not playing me, right?” He asked, his voice breaking at the end of the sentence.

“Oh god.” It took all Grantaire's willpower not to laugh. “You're not as confident as you like to act, are you?” He smiled, taking boy's chin in his hand lightly to make him look in his eyes.

“Not really, no.” He admitted, trying to avoid his sight. “But...”

“No.” He interrupted. “I'm not playing you. I'm ddesperately trying to prevent myself from falling in love with you, but I guess it's too late for that.”

The teen's eyes turned even bigger as he blinked several times, trying to understand what he had just heard.

“Oh.”

“Oh indeed.” R laughed silently, kissing him again, this time more firm.

They kissed for some time, more slow and intimate this time. When they broke for air Enjolras looked dazed.

Grantaire took him by slightly trembling hand and led to the bedroom, making him sit on the edge of the bed and sitting next to him, lacing their fingers together.

“What are we going to do with it?” He asked gently. “School's year ends in three weeks. You're graduating. It's all up to you now.”

Enjolras seemed to be getting back some of his confidence.

“So we could...?” He looked at R expectantly. Grantaire nodded, asking himself silently what the hell was he doing right now. Not that he was going to stop.

Then suddenly Enjolras' hands were in his hair, tugging gently, and his lips were on his, kissing him in the way he thought all their kisses would be, heated and insistent. One of his hands wandered from R's locks to his chest and tugged at the material of his t shirt, and he broke the kiss to laugh breathlessly and take it off, making Enjolras to do the same. He moved on the centre of the bed, sitting by the headboard and lifted Enjolras so he was sitting on his lap, absentmindedly realising how skinny and light he was.

Grantaire tangled his hand in Enjolras' hair, tugging hard and making him arch his head back and attacked his neck with feather light kisses and bites just as he wanted to do every day for the last year. This elicited a pretty moan, so he continued, as Enjolras' hands roamed over his chest.

His inexperienced hands skimmed over his nipple just as he bit at teen's earlobe and their moans mixed in the air.

“Wait.” R's lips hovered milimeters over Enjolras'. “Wait. Is it your first time?”

Maybe he was insane, he thought, but at least he has some last tiny parts of responsibility left.

Enjolras' eyes were clouded as he nodded once, sharply.

“We'll go slow then, okay?” He asked, kissing him gently.

To his surprise the teen's lips turned into an adorable pout.

“But I don't want to go slow.” He kissed him, fierce almost angry kiss. “I've wanted you for so long.”

“I'm not going anywhere.” He reciprocated the kiss, petting his hair gently. “And it's not like it's going to be only time we're doing this. Plus...” He hesitated for a while. “I've wanted you to. Want you.” He corrected himself.

“Oh.”

Instead of answering R kissed him again, lifting him up again (Jesus, was this kid even eating?) and undressed him completely.

Sitting in front of him, Enjolras was hard and so stunningly beautiful Grantaire couldn't really believe his luck. He told him so, watching as the teen blushed adorably at his words.

He took a minute to undress himself and roam in the drawer in search for lube, then he was back and attacked Enjolras with kisses. He still couldn't believe he was really doing this.

He stretched him open, distracting him with kisses and murmuring sweet nothings to his ear, as Enjolras moaned into his lips and writhed under his ministrations.

As R finally pushed into him they were both short for breath.

As Enjolras rode him with his head thrown back and golden locks falling over his back, all his inhibitions went to hell and Grantaire found himself whispering words of love into the boy’s skin, not caring at all it was their first time. He loved this boy for so long, why would he stop himself from telling him?

As Enjolras came he whispered “I love you” into his skin.

As they lied curled together, panting, Grantaire couldn't believed he was so stupid for not doing it earlier.

 

“So.” Enjolras stretched over his sheets just like Grantaire had imagined him doing so many times. “Are you my boyfriend now?”

“Don't you think I'm a bit too old to be your boyfriend?” Grantaire laughed, pulling him in for a kiss.

“You're not old.” Enjolras pouted, curling over him in an adorable manner.

“I'm way too old for you.”

“No, you're not.” He repeated. “And even if you are, who cares? I love you.”

“I love you too.” R ruffled his hair. “And yes I am.”

Enjolras frowned.

And then he blurted out “Can move in with you?”

Grantaire blinked, surprised. “What?”

“Can I move in with you?” He repeated.

“Wh...Wait, what are your parents going to think about it?” He blinked again.

“I'm not living with my parents.” The adorable pout was back on his lips. “I live with my dumb flatmate. I love you. You love me. I want to move in with you.”

“Oh my god.” Grantaire couldn't help but laugh. “You're going to be the death of me.”

“Can I?” He repeated, stubborn.

“Yes!” He rolled his eyes. “Yes, you can. I guarantee you, you'll be back to your dumb flatmate in a week though.”

“No I won't.” Enjolras kissed him, content, smiling brightly, and curled up tightly, even closer to him.

Grantaire rolled his eyes again, not believing what his life has become.

But he was happy. He was so, so happy.

How could he not be?

  



	4. “We do it in the dark with smiles on our faces”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All R wanted was to kiss him all over just now and there. And maybe took to some empty class for a quick fuck. Yes, that was a nice idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I won't lie, I wrote this chapter while being extremelly high. I don't even know what I took, I mixed everything I had. So please forgive me all mistakes and all, concrit like always appreciated.  
> Also, I took a lot of liberty here and description of Enjolras' graduation is just a bit adjusted mine high school graduation party.  
> I hope when we meet in wherever we go after death Victor Hugo won't hit me with a frying pan for what I've done here.  
> But hey, we all know this fic is just excuse for me to make my boys have as much sex as possible.
> 
> UPDATE: betad!

School was...weird. Unreal. It became so, so unreal for both of them. But it's always like that with the beginnings of new love, isn't it?  
Everything about the two of them was unreal and it didn't matter at all.  
Looking back, Grantaire really wondered how come no one realized what's going on, how come he didn't lose his job and how the hell come Enjolras didn't get expelled from school.  
Maybe he wasn't so unlucky after all, he thought.  
But the day of graduation came, and there he was, sitting at his place with other teachers, his gaze fixed only on a certain blonde student.  
Enjolras was sitting by the corner of the table, and looked like he didn't care about anything but leaving as soon as possible.  
Which was absolutely true.  
And which was exactly what R was feeling right now too.  
Students were allowed to wear what they wanted for the less official part of graduation – where they were now – and Enjolras was wearing jeans entirely too tight to be decent and dark red t-shirt that made him look even paler, more marble, and his locks like pure liquid gold streaming down his arms, with a stray lock brushing over his visible collarbone.  
All R wanted was to kiss him all over, right here and now. And maybe take him to some empty class for a quick fuck. Yes, that was a nice idea.  
He shook his head, dark ringlets went flying, trying to clear his head. God, it was so hot, he was melting in his jeans and t-shirt, black was a bad idea, but really, almost all his clothes were black.  
The party was boring, students chatting with each other, drinking orange juice while they looked forward for event to end so they could go and get something with alcohol in it, teachers talking politely about nothing, everybody smiling fake bright smiles.  
Grantaire could only think about one thing.  
Today was the day Enjolras was officially out of school.  
Enjolras, who turned 18 three days ago.  
They were legal.  
It really deserved some celebration.  
In bed, preferably.  
Not that Grantaire was only thinking about taking his – well, boyfriend was the word – to bed. No, he was also thinking about said boyfriend's upcoming exams, college applications and thousands of other things.  
But that, he would deal with that tomorrow.  
There's always tomorrow.

“We're going to get caught.” Grantaire panted, breaking the kiss, and feeling almost physical pain from doing so. “We're totally going to get caught.”  
“Who cares.” Enjolras was placing open mouthed kisses at his neck and collarbones as Grantaire's t-shirt got lost somewhere on the way. “I'm a graduate now.”  
“I still work there!” That was what Grantaire wanted to say, but what got lost in the moan that broke out of his throat.  
Enjolras slid down his body, maintaining eye contact for the whole time. That was so damn erotic, R thought, he could come just from the sight. No 18 years old boy should be that erotic, he thought, it should be banned somehow.  
“You're going to be the death of me.” He said, his voice desperate, hands already tangling in golden locks.  
“I hope not.” Enjolras smiled his crooked smile. “I definitely enjoy you being alive.”  
He unzipped Grantaire's pants and pushed it down his legs along with his underwear, he boy’s lips ghosting over the head of his cock, placing a teasing kiss finally.  
It's really fucking happening, Grantaire thought. I'm getting sucked off by my ten years younger, gorgeous boyfriend in the art classroom of the school I work in. It's really happening and it shouldn't turn me on, should it?  
He came with a muffled shout of Enjolras' name, sliding to the floor almost right afterwards, legs trembling. He pulled Enjolras for a messy kiss, fumbling with his zipper, stroking him into completion in rushed strokes, exchanging broken kisses and whispering words of love.  
Enjolras came with his eyes closed, head thrown back, golden hair falling over his arms and it was the most beautiful sight R has ever seen. He saved it to his memory to paint one day, a painting just for the two of them.  
They left the class giggling like the pair of schoolboys, fingers tangled as school was empty and there was no one to see. And Enjolras was right, who cared? They all could see.  
“If you think I'm over with you, you've never been more wrong.” Grantaire whispered to his golden haired lover's ear. “We're celebrating this properly in our own bed.”


	5. Two Out Of Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enjolras tells his friends.  
> It goes...oh well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys. I know it's been a really long since last chapter, too long, and I apologize sincerelly. I, well, I got bad again, and to tell the truth I didn't do much more than lying in bed and staring at the wall for most of the time. I still don't feel good, I feel like shit to be honest, so don't expect too much from this one. Sorry again. Forgive me?  
> Also sorry for not much of character development here, I still don't have clear headcanon for Courfreyrac, but I'm getting there, I promise.  
> Also there's non-binary Jehan cause let's face it it's almost canon.  
> I'm reading brick now but I only just started so all I know comes from movie, polish version of musical (which by the way was fucking brilliant) and tumblr, so sorry if there are any mistakes. Poor Victor Hugo, rolling in his grave.  
> In other news – I'm turning 20 on 28th, how come I ended up as a fic writer? God, I'm almost as old as R. 
> 
> \-----------------------
> 
> now betad, thanks to my wonderful beta Sarah, I love you, dear <3

The best way **  
**To make it through **  
**With hearts and wrists intact **  
**Is to realize **  
**Two out of three ain't bad **  
**Ain't bad

      * _**FOB,**_[ _I'm Like A Lawyer With The Way I'm Always Trying To Get You Off (Me & You)_](http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/falloutboy/imlikealawyerwiththewayimalwaystryingtogetyouoffmeyou.html)




 

“You're seeing who?!” Combeferre's eyebrows ran so high on his forehead they almost disappeared into his hair, clear disbelief in his voice. “But he's, like...Old.”

“He's not old.” Enjolras rolled his eyes. “And I'm telling this to you three because I actually wanted some, I don't know, understanding?”

“He's a little bit old though.” Courfreyrac's voice was warm with a hint of laughter, like usual. “What possessed you?”

Enjolras shrugged, not sure what to say.

The truth was, he wasn't sure telling his friends who was he dating was a good idea, but he felt awful lying to them. They didn't deserve lies, and lies never really fit his straightforward, bold nature.

Also... He was pretty sure he was in love. And being in love was a huge thing. A thing you tell your best friends about. Especially when such love is reciprocated. Right?

And it wasn't like being with Grantaire was so easy to hide either.

So there he was.

“Enjolras.” Jehan was looking at him with their huge, puppy-like eyes. Their hair was braided neatly with white ribbon and some daisies today and they were playing with it as they spoke. “No one's judging you here.”

“Combeferre's totally judging me.” Enjolras rolled his eyes again.

“It looks like you went a bit insane, you know?” the man in question looked him in the eye. “We're your friends. We love you. We care for you...”

“What is this,an intervention?” Enjolras frowned. “Are you kidding me?”

“We're just scared he may be taking advantage of you.” Combeferre shrugged.

Courfreyrac nodded cautiously, eyeing Jehan who was staring down in their coffee cup.

“Come on, you're not serious.” He sighed. “R would never take advantage of me. He's good, he's caring, he's...”

Courfreyrac raised his eyebrows tutting. “Someone's in love.”

Enjolras blushed, staring at the table in front of him.

“You're all crazy, I'm leaving.” Combeferre rolled his eyes, standing. “Come back when you find your sanity.”

Enjolras felt like punching the wall. It wasn't supposed to go like this, they seemed to have major communication issues. Did no one understand him? Was he speaking different language?

“I should probably go with him.” Courfreyrac's voice shook him out of his thoughts.

“Sure.” He said bitterly.

“Listen, man, I don't judge you, and honestly, I think that it's your and only your business who you date, it's just...”

“It's just you have huge crush on 'ferre.” Enjolras laughed, feeling a bit better. “Go.”

“We're cool?”

“We're cool.”

He grabbed his coat and left. Enjolras and Jehan looked at each other in awkward silence.

“So...”

“So...”

They both smiled somehow forced smiles.

“So.” Jehan started once again, blushing nice shade of pale pink. “You are, like...dating, like...since we were yet at school?”

“Yup.” It was Enjolras' turn to blush.

“Oh.” The younger one fiddled with their braid, playing with the light purple strands. “That's...that's actually kinda hot. Weird, but hot.”

“Yup.” Enjolras didn't quite know what to say. “I'm living at his place now.” He added after a while.

“You...what? Oh. Oh! That's why you move out, right? Of our place, I mean.”

“Well...Yes.” He admitted after a brief pause. “But not entirely. It's not like Combeferre didn't ask me to see if Coufreyrac could move in.”

“I knew it!” Jehan exclaimed and then quickly covered his mouth. “It wasn't supposed to come out like that.”

“Easy, I know about the bets thing.” Enjolras shrugged. Eponine told him before school ending that xe and Jehan were making bets about progress in Combeferre and Coufreyrac's relationship, and honestly he considered it rather amusing. “How is it going, anyway?”

“'Ponine owes me a lot.” They shrugged. “But I think I'm going to 'forget' about it for a while since xe's broke.”

Enjolras smiled to himself. He always supposed Jehan was a bit into Eponine, seeing from how they always blushed and stuttered when talking with xem.

“Does your mum know?” Asked Jehan after a moment of silence.

Enjolras shook his head. “She would probably have a heart attack. She thinks I still live with you and let’s let it stay like that for a while, okay?”

“Sure thing.” Jehan smiled.

“Thanks. Listen, I have to go, I start work in couple of hours and promised R to be home for dinner so...”

Jehan stood up, smiling. “Say hello to him from me. Or will it be too weird him being a teacher and all?” They were blushing again.

“I will say hi.” Enjolras hugged them before leaving, then he rushed home.

It didn't go that bad after all, he thought to himself.

 

 


	6. “If my love is a weapon there's no second guessing when I say”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grantaire comforts Enjolras after confrontation with his friends.  
> It ends up...interesting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea what I'm doing here. I am very, very drunk and it's just an idea which popped into my head and refused to leave. Sorry about everything.  
> Just kidding. I'm not sorry.  
> You should see me as I sit here, drink vodka with apple juice, and swear so loudly my sister hit me with a pillow and told me I need Jesus.
> 
> \------------
> 
> as usually - unbetad with my comments for your entertaintment until my beta will...well - beta it.

 As Enjolras entered the apartment, Grantaire was sitting on the kitchen counter, his legs hanging near the floor, and sketching something absentmindedly while drinking beer straight from the bottle.

Some Metallica song was playing in the background, and he smiled at the wave of domesticity flowing over him.

“Hi.” He smiled even wider at a sight of a spark in R's eyes. It was still so unfamiliar to him, seeing someone he loved with his whole heart genuinely happy at his sight.

“Hi, Apollo.” Grantaire smirked and took a sip from his bottle. “How the meeting went?”

“Could be worse.” He couldn't suppres a frown. “They were...I guess 'shocked' would be a word.”

“C'mere.” R put out his bottle and reached an arm in Enjolras' direction.

Soon blond haired boy found himself in tight embrace and he realized he never was more grateful in his life. He put his head on Grantaire's arm and let his – was boyfriend a word? - comfort him and run his warm hands over his back in soothing manneer.

“Thanks.” He sighed.

“It was to be expected, you know.” R's voice was somehow bitter, though he tried to stay calm. “I'm way too old for you.”

“No you're not.” Enjolras stood on tiptoes and placed a kiss on his jaw. “And it really doesn't matter.”

“It matters to people, though.” Older boy shrugged. _(can I still refer to him as a boy? I'm so confused here...)_ “But don't worry about it now, okay?”

“Okay.” Enjolras mumbled, leaning in for a kiss.

The kiss which started as gentle and comforting soon grew to passionate play of lips on lips, tangled tongues and fight for domination.

It was always like that with them, lust and passion so intense that unable to contain. They were in this phase of relationship when people rarely leave bedroom, yes, but it was much more, two soulmates who found themselves in cold world, two bodies completely compatible, two lovers rushing to show their affection and feelings.

Soon Grantaire had Enjolras all flushed and pliant, pressed tightly to him as to touch as more skin as possible and already starting sliding his plaid shirt off his arms.

“Eager, huh?” He laughed.

“Missed you.” Younger boy mumbled.

“You were out for two hours.” He all but purred the words into his ears, licking at his earlobe and biting gently.

“Too long.” Enjolras tried to shrug but his arms got caught at shirt Grantaire was trying to take off of him and they both started to giggling.

Enjolras pulled R into a kiss, as he tried to clumsily drag him into the bedroom.

Grantaire just shook his head and pulled him closer. Enjolras jelped _(is it written like that?? God I am so drunk xd)_ , surprised as he was lifted and sat on the counter.

He soon regained his confidence and wound his long, bony legs over Grantaire's hips in attempt to drag him closer. He was however disturbed by his lover unbuckling his belt and dragging down his pants and underwear, leaving him stark naked on the kitchen counter.

_(I don't care it defies gravity to get one undressed why sitting on the counter, they somehow managed it, practice makes perfect after all xd)_

“I knew it was great idea to keep lube in the kitchen drawer.” Grantaire smiled smugly, leaving Enjolras in uncontrolable fit of giggles.

Soon though he had his squirming on his fingers and biting his lips until he drew blood. Enjolras moaned breathily _(is this even a word???)_ as he added second and then third, all when cooing at him, kissing him gently and whispering words of love.

“Gr...'Taire.” Younger boy breathed, trying to catch his breath. “Just get over with it.”

“As you wish.” Grantaire smirked again.

_(How the hell counter sex even works? Help!)_

He entered him with a moan loud enough to be heard by all their neighbours but he didn't give a fuck. He kissed another moan from Enjolras' lips, swallowing all the sounds as he set his pace.

He had Enjolras squirming and begging him, completely incoherent and blushed prettily all over his pale body. His locks were bouncing with his every move, damp with sweat and clinging to his temple and arms. He reached with one hand and wound one golden lock around his finger, wondering in haze if he was developing some kind of hair fetish toward Enjolras' hair.

Words slurring out of his lover's mouth caught his attention and got him stunned suddenly, caught halfway his movement.

“Oh god I swear 'Taire I love you so much.”

There it was, between his eyes – or rather ears – happening in this very moment, first love confession he heard from boy he loved with all his soul and this was what made it for him and suddenly he was coming, almost incoherent words falling from his lips forming the only sentence he could think about.

“Love you too, loved you for so long, can't believe you're mine.”

 

As they were coming down from their high, snuggled tight on the main room carpet, too exhausted to make it to bedroom, Enjolras embraced Grantaire closer and murmured.

“See? Told you. As Jehan says – love is love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh, I have no idea what happened and why it ended so sappy, but ih well. Hope you liked it!
> 
> If you want to see me as I drool over Aaron Tveit's pictures and try to reblog as much Les Mis fanart as I can while drawing my own you should follow me on [my tumblr](//www.l-earninghowtobreathe.tumblr.com) or on my [art blog](//www.nonbinaryanddraws.tumblr.com)


	7. I got troubled thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time goes by...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _(title from 'what a catch, donnie' by my beloved fob)_
> 
> **First of all kisses from much too sunny for my liking Croatia for all my wonderful readers!**  
>  You have no idea how many porn ideas one can get while lying bored on the beach xd  
> So, this been said, here we have summer chapter inspired by my awesome vacation trip with [my lovely baby sister](//tangled-like-a-spiderweb.tumblr.com) (who has no idea I write porn, so shhhhhhh!) and my not-so-lovely-but-mostly tolerable dad (who has no idea either).   
> I don't apologize for anything but my bad English, this being unbetad yet, side comments I am too lazy to get rid of and all teeth rotten from fluff.  
> Enjoy!
> 
>  **Also here goes my tiny but full of guilt disclaimer:** I had been...well...let's say gently but firmly told (it would be rude to say anything more and I am not a rude person, thank you very much) that timeline here is a bit fucked up. I agree. It is.  
>  So, for it to be clear between end of the school year and them getting together and Enjolras moving in with R there passes more thank half of the year. Hence Enjloras' friends being so shocked as he was keeping it secret for so long. It was clear in my head but not in the fic so sorry about that.   
> Then there passes another half of the year before this chapter.  
> I hope it's clearer now, if not please let me know as timelines are not my best part of writing.

Days passes so quickly when you're both busy and happy. Month after month passed summing up to one year and before they even realized, Enjolras and Grantaire were together for almost 2 years.

Enjolra's 20th birthday were approaching quickly, and leaving him a bit anxious. Or maybe a lot anxious. Very, very anxious.

It was just that nothing was really going as he imagined that. He didn't get to law school immediately after graduating and spent a year working in coffee shop on part-time and doing mostly nothing in the rest of the time. He tried to study by himself but quickly found it wasn't as easy as it seemed and even though he had remarkably strong will he soon gave up. He read books. He slept. He actually slept a lot, especially when alone in the apartment as Grantaire was working. He was meeting with friends, yes, but all of them were in college now and they were too busy for most of the time.

And he felt guilty about this doing-nothing thing. At least he worked, and got money so he could pay half of the rent, it made him feel a bit better.

So turning 20 wasn't actually making him that happy. Grantaire long ago stopped telling him he was too old for him, and instead took up a charming habit of telling him heloved him as often as he can which was unexpected to say at least but in overall really nice.

This one particular day, two weeks before his birthday, Enjolras was sleeping again. It was almost 4pm, and he was alone, and didn't sleep whole night cause they went to club toghether and this morning Grantaire left to work with terrible hangover and muttering something about how he was thankful the school year was ending. Enjolras himself wasn't even feeling that bad, him not being a great fan of drinking, but he was tired and bored and it was better than sitting alone and watching TV. What woke him up was someone dropping tiny kisses to his neck, arms and hair. It was quite nice, drifting half into sleep, between consciousness and dream, and he didn't really intend to change his actual state. He, however, dimly _(is that the word? I mean, does it means what I think it means??)_ realized, that kisses were indeed intended to wake him up, so he made his great effort to open his eyes. Grantaire was lying in the bed next to him, smiling blindingly _(does this word even exist?? I don't have internet access atm...)._

“Hello.” He smiled even wider.

“Hi.” Enjolras mumbled, blinking. “Sorry, I planned to wake up before you come home.”

“I came back early, it's too hot and nobody was really doing anything but dozzing off so I let them go.” He shrugged _(let's ignore here that no one can actually shrug while lying on the side on the bed. This fic defies gravity from start to finish.)._

“Oh.” It was all his still half asleep brain could came up with.

“I have something for you.” He was still smiling like a madman and Enjolras was beginning to feel a bit alarmed. R's surprises tended to be quite extravagant, to put it gently. “You were so sad and depressed lately – no, don't deny it, we both know you were – and I was thinking, what could I do to make you feel better – I mean, but awesome sex – don't laugh at me, I'm being serious here! - and , well, to put it shortly, I sold some paintings and we're going away for vacation. I mean, if you want to.”

Enjolras blinked, taken by surprise.

“I thought we were completely broke?” He said. “I mean, last time I checked, we were on the verge on starving? For, like, last one and a half of the year?”

“We're come back to starving as we come back.” He shrugged again.

“That's...” He blinked again. “That's actually completley illogical. But. Well. But that's also really great.”

“I knew you'll like the idea.” He smiled again, wounding his arms around younger boy's neck. “We however can barely afford even going there. Which means we're going to stay in really shitty place. And by that I mean really, really shitty. Like mould on the walls and stuff.”

“I don't care.” To his surprise Enjolras started to feel beginnings of excitement. “It's going to be great.” He kissed him gently, just brush of lips on lips.

“I found one place, tiny room, basement, but at least almost on the beach. We could leave just after the end of the school year next week.” He kissed him again, this time deeper.

“Sounds great.”

The kiss deepended even more, tongues tangling, lips sliding in the wet mess and clatter of teeth, arms wounding over arms.

Grantaire tangled his hands in gold mess of his boyfriend's hair, and thought about what was it he did in life to deserve him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned for the beach porn in upcoming chapter!
> 
> If you like this fic why won't you come say hello on [my tumblr](//l-earninghowtobreathe.tumblr.com)?


	8. So here I am, and here it is. I'm sorry.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything becomes hard, suddenly.  
> But there's always a light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys.  
> First of all – I'm sorry I took so long to update. I know you probably don't care but I slipped really bad back into addiction, and it all went straight to hell in my life.  
> Having mental illness you never know what happens next, right? Yeah. So.  
> I've been to therapy, resigned, spent some time at home crying into my pillow and then applied to art school and got in! I'm gonna straighten up my life, which includes regular updates, I promise.   
> So. You have all right to come to my house and shoot me. Just, you know, plane tickets to Poland are kinda expensive, so please don't ruin yourself on killing me, okay?  
> All right, I know I'm babbling again so I'll shut up now.  
> Enjoy new chapter, I guess?
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING:  
> 1\. mention of mental illness  
> 2\. mention of self harm  
> 3\. mention of drug addiction and recreational drug use  
> 4\. mention of suicidal thoughts  
> 5\. EVERYRTHIG CAN TRIGGER YOU HERE SO PLEASE IF YOU ARE AS FUCKED UP AS ME DON'T READ IT AND DON'T MAKE YOURSELF HAVE A BREAKDOWN AND SLEEPLESS NIGHT, OKAY? I LOVE ALL OF YOU AND HOPE YOU'RE OKAY.
> 
> This is unbetad, no proofreading and English is not my native language so it probably sucks. Sorry.

 The night was dark and cold as September came suddenly and without warning, unexpected for lovers used to summer sun. Rain was falling almost everyday now and air was freezing and smelled of autumn coming, made them wear fall coats and making waking up even more unpleasant in cold air and gray light.

Grantaire knew it was coming from some time, autumn always did it to him, no matter meds, no matter therapy, even no matter one terrible year he spend it hospital tied to the bed and sick to his bones, anorectic, depressed, broken.

Everyday it was worse. Waking up was a nightmare, leaving home was almost impossible, bottles of vodka were so tempting, he had this need to overdose his meds. He knew it, he understood it, he knew it was coming.

Just... He always was alone, and self-destruction seemed easy, seemed okay, seemed not to hurt anyone.

But now, with Enjolras, it wasn't so easy to just give up and cross the line.

He loved the boy like he never loved anyone. To be honest he never loved anyone before, he was used to lead a fast life of accidental sex and no connections. And love? He always laughed at it. But now, here he was, it hit him hard and he sold his soul. He would do anything not to hurt Enjolras.

So he woke up in the morning, drunk his bitter coffee and forced a smile, while inside he felt empty and yearnig for another drink, another shot, another cigarette.

 

Of course, of course his Apollo wasn't blind. How could he ever think he was?

He looked at him now, huge eyes full of worry, golden locks messed up and tangled after running hands over and over it.

'R. We need to talk.” His voice was serious, adult-like, but he looked at him like a hurt child, he was just 19 after all and didn't know what to do, felt so lost, but tried anway.

Grantaire went closer, running his hands over his boyfriend's arms, trying to comfort him. He ran his hands over his cheek, thumb over his chapped up lips _(is that the word?)_ , trying to brush off worry from beloved face.

“It's okay, I'm all right.” He tried to force a smile, but dark circles under his eyes gave him out, just as the fact he was lying in his bed even though he should've got up an hour earlier and be at work already.

“You're not. I can see things, you know?” He hesitantly ran his hand over R's hair. “I can see you're a mess, you tried to fight it but you gave up. I can help. I'm sure I can help.”

“I love you, okay? I really, really love you. You know I don't say it often and you're the only one I care for.” He closed his eyes, too tired to continue. “Just... It was always like that. Since I was your age, since I was even younger. I always felt empty, I always felt... wrong. Broken. Not whole.

You make me whole, you make me... feel, finally, not pain, finally.

But I just can't do it anymore.”

“Then you won't.” Enjolras' voice was full of force he never heard before. “You'll take a break in your work. I will take a break at my studies. I will take care of you.

No drinking, no drugs, no easy escape. No more. You have me.”

R stared at him in disbelief.

“You will just paint, just do what you feel you can do. Easy steps, okay? I will help you.”

“But you love your studies.” He tried weakly, but failed, he knew he failed.

“But I love someone more.” He smiled, sudden honest smile, brightening the day. “And you know what? It's you.”

They kissed, sealing the deal in silence.

It was going to be okay, it was all going to be okay, they just didn't know that yet.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was kinda sad, but I promise more light in next chapter, and promised beach sex!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! All feedback is appreciated, and I love constructive critic so please speak up!
> 
> I have tumblr! [HERE!](//l-earninghowtobreathe.tumblr.com)


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